Despite a mind full of thoughts, I have nothing to say.  Soulful new music I acquired is resonating through me as I type, one of the songs I will share with you all when I'm done musing.  Mercury enters retrograde tomorrow, just wanted to let you all know.  If you aren't familiar with why this is important, click here. 

     In the company of my sweet friend Ala today, I recalled a conversation she and I had about happiness and the tendency to question it's validity and will it be dashed if we settle in and enjoy it without worry.  The measure of a true friendship is the ability to be yourself, no matter what light that shines on you.  Sometimes I am an utter and complete dork, I freely admit this. 

    I could keep typing words in an attempt to fill the page, but I really hate it when people use 8000 words to say absolutely nothing.  Sing with me while I fall asleep, dreaming of...*smiling*...

     Crowds of people, emotions assaulting me from all sides.  Struggling to sort through, pick the ones that need acknowledgement and let the others fall by the wayside until I can get to them, if I can get to them.  I need an on/off switch, who can I talk to about that?  The full moon is throwing me a curve ball today leaving me screaming at my family for their endless string of needs that prevented me from making myself anything for breakfast which transitioned to laughing like a lunatic with a complete stranger on the Disneyland tram until both of us had mascara running down our faces, to nearly unbearable exhaustion, to sitting in the dark at the dining room table, music blaring in my ears whilst attempting to type something through silent tears rolling down my cheeks for no discernible reason.  Shit! Now the Internet has decided to toy with my already addled brain as well, making me appear invisible to someone I was hoping to chat with before I headed to bed.  Despite my fingers quickly typing responses and actually being marked online, I remained invisible.  I was there, dammit. I think it may be a sign that my bed is the best place for me now. 

    Is there really anything else I could add to that?  Could this be a game of X-Rated Jeopardy?  Ummm....ok, I'll take things Raven had her hands on for $1000 Alex.  One might think that this entry is on the express train to gutterville, and you may not be entirely wrong, but for now, that's not where I'm headed. 

     My sporadic appearances have been noticed by a few people, and I have decided that I will let you know what keeps me away from my computer as of late.  LIFE!  For starters, we have had a nice run of warm sunny days, today being yet another, so I am outdoors A LOT!  Today I shuttled my son up to the main dojo to train at the world headquarters for our form, shopped at an Asian market with 3000 of my closest Asian friends, deposited my treasures at home, switched to my new and lightning fast running shoes, harvested some oranges from my tree then took the offspring and aforementioned oranges to a sports park. That's where the rock wall, dirty balls and a pole come in.  While we were there I fought the good fight against my son in several games of one on one basketball, learning first hand what my dad meant when he said my boy "has a natural ability".  Despite barely clinging to those measly few inches I still have on him,  he schooled me in the subject of fast breaks and lay ups and basically kicked my ass, but my guarding techniques got a 9.7 from the judges for originality.   After an hour of handling a dirty ball, we summoned the princess from the swings and hit the rock wall.  Princess Picklebutt scrambled up with a minimal amount of complaining and grumbling, the boy climbs like a monkey and proceeded to mock me once he got to the top of the wall and claimed the tower for his own,  so I , not one to sit on the bench and watch, decided that I could climb the damn wall too.  I managed to climb the wall without embarrassing myself, my family or my country but when I reached the tower, I realized that the only way down was the fire pole unless  I wanted to go back down the rock wall.  So spurred on by cheers of, "take the pole Mom, take the pole!!", I reached out, gripped that pole firmly, wound one leg around it, took a deep breath and WHEEEEEEEEE!!!  Even managed to work in a little spiral at the end for my big finish and dismount.  I worked that pole!! I'm thinking I need to start up some kind of fitness through play program for adults.  I think we forget how much work the park is, but it's getting fit without even realizing it!  Who wants to join me?

     Now, the much more important reason why I haven't been, and will still not be around quite as much to dazzle you with my sparkling tits and acid tongue-  That doesn't seem right, sparkling tongue and luscious wit?  What was the question? Why am I not wearing pants?  How did I get a bruise there?  Are you going to eat the rest of that? I'm always hungry these days.  Right, I was telling you what I'm doing away from the house so much now.  Next month I'm competing in a big Japanese Karate Federation international tournament AND making my full contact free sparring debut in that tournament as well, so I am training like a demon.  Do demons train?  Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?  Bueller isn't here? Since the international referees have decided to keep the women's age group at 18-39 years old, I will be fighting in that ridiculously wide age bracket.  Hubby suggested I wait until I'm 40 to free spar in competition, but really, where's the challenge in that?  Stepping up my training is taking up a great deal of my already limited free time, turned me into a bottomless pit of food consumption, and left me sore and tired in a way that only a vigorous aerobic fucking can rival!   I love every second of it!! And the training isn't half bad either.  There really is something seriously wrong with me, isn't there?  Don't answer that.

    So, what I need from all of you is a training partner or 2 for morning runs and weight training at the gym, someone to keep me well fed, a massage therapist, someone to switch out the ice packs I wrap around my sore parts after each of the 4, count them FOUR classes I am now attending between our dojo and the main dojo every week, people to clean my house while I'm training, and a person willing to organize and equip my cheering section at the tournament.  Will you need a sign up sheet or can you work this out yourselves? 

     Wave to me when you see me run by, just don't honk, it pisses me off and I don't want to yank you out of your vehicle and show you how hard I can hit.  I'll still be around to desecrate all of your spaces with my inappropriate comments, so don't get too comfortable....

    It's difficult to believe that today, in the middle of January, it was 75 degrees and I had to work: ON MY TAN!!!   As if a sunny and warm weekend wasn't enough to put a smile on my face, after volunteering at the school this morning I fetched the hubby and we headed to the beach.  So where did you officially become jealous?  At 75 degrees? Tan lines? Or was it the beach AGAIN that finally pushed you over the edge?  Oh, I'm not done yet!  Let's explore a winter day in the life of the Magnificent (and don't forget powerful) Raven, shall we?

   With 4 1/2 hours to kill before one of my butt monkeys needed fetching, I took the hubby out for some sunshine, laughter, and frivolity.  Did you know that my hubby is an Orange County native too?  No, how would you...anyway...as any California girl worth her salt water would be, I was clad in a little strapless cotton sundress and black flip flops (for faster naked feet once I hit sand!), which was just perfect for my walking, climbing, splashing pleasure at the beach. Oh, did I mention that I was at the beach? IN JANUARY?  I did? My apologies that some of you weren't there with me.  As soon as I stepped out of the car I knew this was going to be one of those days that make you smile every time you think  back on it.  It was warm and sunny and clear, the waves were huge, and there was almost no breeze at all, making it seem just that much warmer.  Parked less than a block from the sand, I had jumped off the boardwalk and slipped my feet out of my shoes in a matter of seconds! Do you think I was happy to be there? Wouldn't you be?

    We walked, laughed, climbed up some absurdly steep beach access steps, which I am aware people usually climb down-but we were after a different view, took loads of photos, ended up soaking wet from a renegade giant wave, laughed some more, and expertly navigated rocks and tide pools.  Oh but even that wasn't all!  After nearly 3 hours at the beach, I darted into my favorite little bath and body shop to grab some of my scrumptious natural lotion and such then we explored some of the streets, venturing into the locally owned shops you can only find here.  We even found one of those candy stores filled with barrels of the kind of candy most of us remember from our childhood (I posted a photo of it too). I won't bore you with all the nifty artsy fartsy shops we visited, but we ended our visit at Wild Oats, grabbed good eats to take home for lunch and called it a day. A GREAT DAY! 

    Check out the new photo album when you get a chance. If you lean in... I think you can feel the warmth    

     Gather 'round boys, girls and those of indeterminate gender, I have a little story to share tonight.  Have you ever heard the tale of One Way Man?  No? Well it's your lucky night then!  Go ahead and get comfy and I'll get started.

     In a pristine valley just south of Stepford lived One Way Man and his sweet and loving (too much?  let's try this:) and his luscious sex crazed trouble making spitfire wife Raven (that's me!).  After a few years of marriage, Raven started to notice something strange about her husband.  It seemed that most things in One Way Man's world only worked, well...one way.  As the years wore on, Raven noticed that her husband's condition was worsening, and she began to suspect it might one day become fatal.  As she walked around their house, Raven would see that One Way Man could bring dishes OUT of the kitchen, yet when trying to return them to that magic machine that produces an endless supply of clean ones (the dishwasher), the table in the dining room was as far as he could get before he nearly collapsed from the exertion and had to play more HALO to regain his strength.  Raven suffered from of a multitude of One Way Man's other symptoms. Here's a list of a few, that way you can see if your spouse has also contracted this painful and oftentimes fatal disease:

--The inability to replace the empty toilet paper roll with a new one.

--Opening a drawer but not closing it.

--Turning the light on in a room and leaving it on upon exiting that room.

--using the last of something in the kitchen yet unable to figure out what to do with that pencil and pad of paper so conveniently located on the counter next to the refrigerator (for the last 7 years!).  This symptom can cause throbbing headaches when paired with the remark that "someone" needs to buy more of [item One Way Man just used the last of] next time "they" go to the store.

--scooping ice cream and leaving the dripping ice cream scoop on the clean counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher.

--taking Raven's favorite french vanilla half and half out of the refrigerator to use then leaving it on the counter.

--eating candy in the living room and tossing the wrappers on the floor.

--taking jacket that mysteriously always ends up back in the hall closet OUT of the closet to wear then hanging it on the back of a dining room chair upon removing it later even though he was walking down the hallway and PAST closet in question to fetch something from the bedroom.

--and one of my personal favorites: rabid dogging a re-closeable bag to get items out thus rendering it bloody un-re-closeable!! GRRRR!

    These are just a few of the many symptoms One Way Man had developed over the years, and seeing as it's not 1952 in his house, Raven decided to show One Way Man that two could play at that game.  Early one morning as he was climbing into bed, One Way Man had made the announcement that he had no clean work clothes to wear.  Raven smiled as she informed him, "I don't wear your clothes, and last time I checked, taking inventory of your drawers to see just what needs washing WASN'T in my job description, so maybe you should either use your big boy words and ask me if I could wash you some if I have time, or you could (brace yourselves for this novel suggestion) wash them yourself?"  One Way Man stared in confusion at her, as if she were speaking in some foreign tongue.

    As One Way Man fell deep asleep that day, his feisty wife decided that since everything only worked one way in One Way Man's world, it seemed only fitting that he fall asleep, and never wake up. That also alleviated his need for clean clothes.

    The End

     It happened again.  Brace yourselves-the following information will be rather shocking and perhaps a bit graphic:  I was thinking about what to write.  *GASP!!*   I KNOW!!  I hate it when that happens to, but what can I do?  I toyed around with different ideas, then I put everything back in the picnic basket,  rolled Raul into the wet spot, put my pants back on and started wonder what to write.  Something deep, dirty, funny, stupid, soulful, personal, epic or a rant of monumental proportions?  YES!  That's what I'll do, I'll just write whatever comes to mind.  Genius!  Please feel free to worship at my altar on your way out.  I can't believe that it took me getting naked and wet to remember that I write better when I stop thinking.

     What can you expect though?  I spent the better part of two hours tonight forcing men to their knees and then wedging them between my thighs until they tapped out or could get out from under me (none of them would? Strange isn't it?).  To level things out and not emasculate the men too much,  I also spent my fair share of time on my knees between one man or another's legs as well, I have the bruises on my knees to prove it!  You people are so perverted!  I was in karate for fuck's sake!  I can see it's been too long since you have been punished, but since I am all clean and smooth from my shower (hence the aforementioned naked and wet you dirty people),  and I am tired from class,  I am just going to hold out my open palm and you can run ass first into it. 

   *CLAP CLAP*  Pool boy...I'll have that drink now.  NOW!!!  Hard help is good to find these days.

   Hello and welcome to another episode of insane ramblings.  I will be your tour guide/sex therapist/dance instructor for the next 3 fun filled days and 375 Malibu rum soaked nights.  Before we get started, I need everyone to make sure their cocks are in the upright and locked positions and all personal issues are stowed in the overhead compartment.  Now if we are all properly lubricated, let's get this toboggan run straight to hell underway! 

   My plan to take the family to the largest human trap built by a mouse was apparently not an original one.  While we milled about with an assload of our closest friends out on a day pass from the 1980's fashion don'ts vault, I noticed that it was "It may be f'ugly, but fuck me if it's not in style" day.  I have never seen so many morbidly obese girls in skinny pants (now what kind of oxymoron is that?) and threadbare white T-shirts so tight that it looked like they were smuggling a sharpei under there.  Note to self girls, if your belly button actually swallows your shirt, you're too fat to wear clothes that snug!  Also, if there is no way to tell which roll is your breasts and which are the mounds of fat piled on top of your waistband, your clothes are too tight!  Am I clear on this? 

   For the guys, and I use that term loosely, skinny leg pants and man berries don't mix.  I suppose if you want us all to see that your legs are the same size as your arms and that your package is virtually non-existent, then go ahead, keep on slipping your bird like legs into pants of indeterminate gender. Come to think of it,that's really insulting to birds.  My apologies to all the birds reading this. I also want to address the issue of shoe polish black hair combed emo-liciously over one eye so you can peer sullenly out at the world whilst wearing your emotions on your sleeve.  If you feel compelled to wear your emotions on your sleeve, might I suggest you invest in some tank tops?  How about you man up or fuck off?  Oh...don't cry, want me to run your slitty slitty bath for you?  Remember, up the road, not across the street.  Ok?

    That takes me to my next, ever present and on going irrational issue.  Ugg and Ugg style boots. F-UUUUU-UUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!  They aren't sexy, no one looks good in them and for fuckity fuck's fucking sake, IT'S SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!!!  Seriously you skanky idiotic whores, a cold day here is 60, it's not the frozen tundra.  What kills me even more are the cock juggling thunder cunts who pair them with the shorts or T-shirt dresses. Are you just cold from the knee cap down? Is that what we're to understand with that callous burning of our retinas?  If you aren't lounging around the ski lodge after a day of actually skiing, or trying to keep your feet warm at home because the high price of oil makes it impractical to run your heater, DON'T WEAR THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!  If I see you within run-down distance of me, I will, and I promise you this, I will rip them from your sweaty vinegar and horse shit smelling feet and beat you to death with them.  Understand. 

    To the man in the Lexus with the coat hangar antenna: how is it that you can afford to drive a $40,000 vehicle, yet cannot afford to have the antenna replaced?  To the driver in the fast lane going 50 mph, MOVE OVER! I can only show you that you are number one so many times before the thrill wears off, then I will be forced to pass you at a high rate of speed hurling profanities at you that would make a drunken trucker blush!  Just a few more things tonight and I'll quit before I pull something-OF YOURS! Yes-I have big tits, and YES-I was wearing a tank top that says, "if I had balls, they would be bigger than yours", but is it really necessary to MOVE YOUR LIPS WHILE YOU GAWK AND READ????  Seriously, just because your IQ isn't triple digit doesn't mean you need to give us all a visual reminder.  Do those rubber clogs come with a matching helmet? And do you OWN a full length mirror? 

   Whew, I feel so much better now!  Any complaints/comments can be rolled up and stuffed in my box. 

     Without even thinking, my fingers seek out the smooth glass crescent moon hanging from a chain around my neck.  Until about a month ago, I always wore a gold chain with a captured rock on it.  The rock is special to me, it's a hidden treasure, but one day it mysteriously fell off.  I reached up and the chain was still there yet the rock was gone.  I found it, but faced with the idea of it being lost forever, I took it off until I could have the rock rewrapped. 

     My neck was unadorned for a few days when I happened upon a glass blower.  Scattered all over his table were an assortment of hearts, stars, dolphins, crosses and many other shapes in a kaleidoscope of colors, some wrapped in wire and some not.  That's when I spied it, hiding beneath a leaf fallen from the tree above, an iridescent purple crescent moon beckoning to me.  I only buy jewelry that calls to me, it's just the way I do it.  Lifting it off the table, I instantly felt it's energy all through me, and I was calmer and sort of dreamy feeling.  I didn't even ask the price, just held the moon up to the artist and asked him if he could wrap it in sterling silver wire, but there was one request;  I wanted the moon to hang points up. 

     As the artist took the moon from my fingers, he raised one eyebrow and smiled.  "A challenge, I LIKE it!" he exclaimed, then continued, "No one has ever asked me to wrap one points up."  He set about choosing the right gauge wire and began the artistic process, wrapping and unwrapping a few times until he was ready to show me the finished product.  He held it up, like it was hanging from a chain, to show me how it looked.  I was in love.  It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, and now it hangs from my neck all the time. I only take it off for karate, then as soon as I am home it goes right back around my neck. 

    Without even thinking, my fingers seek out the smooth glass crescent moon hanging from a chain around my neck. It makes me smile and brings me peace.