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IntermissionI just wanted to thank you all for reading and let you know that I'm not going to be around to annoy and pester you for a while. I don't know how long it's going to take, but I know that right now, I just don't have it in me to write. If I'm not back before the holidays, I wish you all a season filled with magic and love. It's been a great two years....thank you for everything Love~Raven Here's a song for you, keep it to remind you of the most amazing woman you'll ever know---you know who you are. Discovering your passion for RavenOk Fine! I admit I added the "for Raven" part. But honestly, if you didn't discover that you indeed had a passion for Raven, what the hell are you doing here? Get out! Back in the cave for you! With that out of the way, I'm ready to get naked and play twister, but first, let's discover how to discover our passion, MY WAY! I stumbled upon this piece of fluff (the original article in BOLD type that is) in my wordpad documents. Sometimes I wonder if I'm entirely conscious most of the time, since I have no recollection of ever pirating this delightfully Dr. Phil-esque craptacular guide to discovering your passion, but I'm sure I had some sinister plan violate it twelve ways to Sunday nonetheless. My passion is always with me, as are my balls, and most of the time my whip, hmmm, seems I got off topic a bit...so why anyone would need to send out a search party for their passion is beyond me. Everyone fetch a cold drink, and a warm body to use as a chair and we'll get these coconuts rolling! Life Lessons Ten Steps to Discovering Your Passion (courtesy of the Magnificent Raven) 1. Listen to your inner voice. Is this the voice that I am supposed to hear quietly in my head before I blurt out something along the lines of, "want me to hold you while you write about it in your journal, Nancy Boy?" For some people, this may be the same voice you hear in your morning bowl of Rice Crispies, or the one you heard say, "Fuck yeah, rubber clogs are HOT on guys...especially when worn with man capris!" Next time you hear it, just warn it that if it doesn't shut it's milk dud hole, you're going to poke it with a Q-tip again.2. Recognize crisis. Here's the scenario: You have just wolfed down a big bowl of my "put hair on your ass and then burn it off" salsa, chased it with a RedBull and suddenly realized that the nearest restroom is a 4 mile run down a steep slope or you can use the patch of beaver tail cacti conveniently located high on the bluff overlooking the toll road. Does this qualify?3. Dwell in possibilities. On top, under, behind, in front of, next to, standing against a wall, bent over the chair, sitting on the chair, sitting on a man sitting on the chair, in the shower, in the car, on the hood of the car, in an elevator, holding onto the kitchen counter, kneeling, leaning, laying, laughing, lounging, hard, soft, fast, slow, deep, deeper, longer, yes...Yes...YES YES OH GOD YES!! Like that?4. Tune out the voice of the world. Is this why we either wear our MP3 players or drink heavily? What about putting our fingers in our ears and singing, "I'm not listening, la la la la la-aaahhh!"? 5. Decide what kind of person you want to be. This is a trick question, isn't it? Ummm....female? Oh oh oh...I know-human. Is that right? Anyone? Is this a multiple choice question?6. Bring your heart to your work. I didn't get the memo that leaving my heart elsewhere was an option. I'm a trained professional you know,at no time does my heart ever leave my chest. Why do you think my chest is so big...that's right. Big heart. Or is that big breasts?7. Trust transformation. That's right, let it all out. Tell Raven where it hurts. Is the gender bender too snug? Do those pumps pinch your toes? Would your transformation from man to woman be easier if I held your balls for you? IN MY PURSE!8. Have no regrets. Dammit dammit dammit!! I actually agree with this one. Don't let opportunities pass you by. Live like you mean it! Dammit! 9. Take the first step. This could also be worded, "Strap on a pair!" "Man up, will you!" or "Shut up and kiss me!" just quit pussy footing around your own life. Nike has it right, Just do it! It's called passion...get some!10. Be patient. I see the douche nozzle that wrote this didn't read number 9. Patience has never been one of my virtues. Oh stop laughing!! How do you patiently take the first step? I would imagine that patiently taking the first step could result in a painful cramp in your ass. Ok lovers...that should help you find your passion. If it doesn't, I think maybe getting naked and wrestling me in an inflatable pool of french vanilla pudding might work too. Who wants to be first? Care to join me?
Happy Spanksgiving! Let's all give spanks... Love and wet kisses~
Whip me strip me tie me fly me!Today I have been caffeinated, driven, lined up, verified, searched, stamped, strapped in, flipped over, launched, rocked, robbed, harnessed, video taped, swung, shafted, rafted, log jammed, plunged, fed, belted, bejeweled, , exhilarated, amused, nauseated, poked in the forehead with a spear, spent quite a large portion of the day with my feet in the air and at one point I was 254 feet off the ground waiting 6 seconds before I was plummeting ass first at a high rate of speed towards the ground. Can you believe it wasn't even my birthday, a blind date, Saturday night OR my annual check up! As is required attendance for all people residing in my household, today was the designated day of my annual pilgrimage to Knott's Berry Farm to get my giggles on and ride a veritable ass load of thrill rides. Yes, I am aware that I myself qualify as a thrill ride, your point is? Now I admit, some of the rides are not so thrilling in and of themselves, but with me along anything can happen and usually does. Even total strangers are subject to my raucous laughter, blinding smile, big knockers and, if they're lucky, a little friendly bumping and rubbing. It's really a good day for everyone at the park. With this being the week of Thanksgiving, I just wanted to make sure that all of the veterans there for the veteran's appreciation event were feeling, well...appreciated! Now they have something for which they can be thankful. Before I go, I just wondered if anyone else noticed that many amusement park rides have names that could easily be interchanged with the equally thrilling and amusing items found in an adult toy store? I'll give you the names of a few rides that made me put my hands up and go WHEEEE and you can decide for yourself. Silver bullet, Perilous plunge, Boomerang, Supreme Scream, Xcelerator, Sierra Sidewinder, Timberline Twister, Dragon swing, and Jaguar. Any thoughts? No? Is it just me? It usually is. Who wants to join me next year? Learning to FLYHave you ever noticed that when you take a trip on an airplane, the instructions tell you that in the event of an emergency, should the oxygen masks descend, make sure yours is on first before tending to your children? For many people this is a ludicrous idea, but in actuality, you can't take care of your loved ones if you are dead. When you think of it in such basic terms, it makes more sense. So why is it that there are so many people carrying around their crosses of eternal martyrdom never doing anything for themselves and thinking that anyone buys the bullshit reasons they are peddling? Sure, we all have things we have to get done before we do what we want to do, but as with all things, there's a limit. By eternally denying that you matter too, you eventually lose your spark. That spark is what sets us all apart. It makes us feel glorious and free. That sparks is essential to your well being. You can spot the people who's sparks have been doused, you can see it in their eyes. They are just moving through life, not living it or feeling it or bending it over and giving it that good nasty fucking it desperately needs, they are just going through the motions, alive, but not living. Those people exist in a world of "should haves" and "have to's" believing that they are making the big sacrifice and being a responsible adult. I think maybe they are a little afraid, but that's just me. Everyone needs to do what works for them, I know this, but bear with me, I do have a point I'm making. Have you ever seen one of those irritating wall plaques that read, "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? As much as that flagrant abuse of the English language makes the bile rise up in my throat, the message makes perfect sense. You can't possibly make others happy if you aren't happy. You'll be amazed at what you find when you let go of what tethers you, stand on the edge, take a risk and learn to F.L.Y...Finally Love Yourself! F.O.FMy family is insane. That sentence can be taken many ways, how many, well that has yet to be determined. I have a declaration to make, not that it has anything or everything to do with my family's lack of sanity, but my sister's well timed and beautifully written comments this morning gave me the inspiration to make aforementioned declaration. Wait, is it still aforementioned if I have yet to mention it? What? I'm sorry, did you just order a steaming hot cup of shut the hell up? Would you like whipped cream with that? My sister V and my crazy yet irresistible Cuban cigar smoking, gun toting, golf loving, Kangol wearing Uncle Pete work in the same office. In said office, the boss man isn't in on Fridays, which means that my esteemed and uber-(that's for V's husband) witty blood relations have declared that every Friday be known as..... FUCK OFF FRIDAY!! I like this idea, so I have decided to adopt it into my week as well. Of course, Fuck off Friday is kick started by a warm beacon of light that streams out the office door accompanied by an ethereal "Aaaah aaaaah" sort of soundtrack and then ribbed for your pleasure with the desktop delivery of a 5000 calorie swirly coffee drink of flaming death topped, of course, with whipped creamy goodness and drizzled with whatever sort of sticky substance glazes your doughnuts. Ooooh, and sometimes, a doughnut or other decadent pastry item can be left as a plea for your silence and unwavering upholding of the sacred Friday fucking off ritual. Oh quit your bitching about the fat and calories. On Fuck Off Friday, calories counting is forbidden! Someone make a note! So what other rules apply to Fuck Off Friday you ask, staring longingly into my big brown- hey buddy...up here! As I was saying, what other rules apply? Well that's the beauty of Fuck Off Fridays...
How can this be? No rules? When you're done scratching your ass and looking confused I'll finish. That's precisely the beauty of Fuck Off Friday, you can do, say, eat, etc, whatever (or whomever!) you want!! If someone has a problem with it, do like my sisters and I do, show them they're #1 and wish them a joyous Fuck Off Friday! So come on everyone- FUCK OFF! Wheeeee! There's No Place Like HomeI love to experience new places, see new things, hear the heartbeat and feel the vibes of different places more than you could possibly imagine. That said; on a day like today, when a brief 15 minute drive accompanied by loud music and a surprise phone call from someone I absolutely adore deposited me in Laguna Beach, I can honestly say that there's no place like home. This morning the question was posed, "What are your plans for the kid's day off?" When I read this query right after wandering out of my bedroom, I wasn't quite sure. After some breakfast, reading e-mail that made me smile from ear to ear and a surprise chat, I was starting to put one together. Quickly checking the tide chart for the day I discovered that the low tide in Laguna was at 4:30pm and it was a -0.1 foot tide!! For those not familiar with the wonders of the tide pools, a high tide early in the day of 5.2 feet followed by an extremely low tide means lots of sea creatures to observe and lots of rocks that will need climbing! So that's what we did! Because I am a stellar chief of staff *ahem-inside joke*...sorry, where was I? No,I'm not in....damn... Oh yes, because I am such a skilled chief of staff, I had this all timed out perfectly. We'd arrive at the beach just around 4pm, explore the tide pools until we were damn near giddy with excitement, then I'd scramble up on a nice big rock, wrap my arms around my kids and watch the sun set in the best place I have ever seen this art in motion, Laguna Main Beach, California. That's exactly what we did and it was breathtaking! I posted photos, of course I also moved the photo album, so they are hard to miss...please enjoy, and make sure to submit your vacation requests for Casa de Raven as early as possible, we book up quickly around here! Cardiovascular Exorcise The thump of my own heartbeat was keeping me awake until a very unreasonable hour, at least that's what I tell myself. When did instinct become obsolete giving way to lives governed solely by intellect and rationale? Sure that's what allegedly separates us from the animals, but do the animals really have it all that bad? Survival, that is the ultimate goal of an animal, whether it be on land, in the air or under the sea. Mortgages, portfolios, the type of vehicle you drive, who's name brands your ass, account balances, what your spouse does for a living, do you even have a spouse, and all the other mundane and unnecessary details that clog up our arteries restricting the bloodflow to our hearts make us a superior creature over the one that spends the day sleeping in the sun, hunting, playing and mating? Really? Try this on for size:
" If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."
You bet your sweet ass that was a quote! Go ahead and judge me, I know I mocked people who rely solely on quotes to convey their thoughts. After you fuck off, I'll continue. Think on those words for a minute, it was after 1:30 in the morning and I was sitting in bed scribbling in my green notebook, it's not like I was going anywhere. How does that word, compromise, always seem to worm it's way into a discussion about what two people want? Why is it that the only way to please everyone is by someone giving up what they want? I have a plan to prove I CAN have it all, just don't expect me to give you all the details, evil geniuses need to have their secrets. It's what makes us evil.
For those of you just tuning in, in past entries I have compared love to waffles, salsa and I'm sure many other food items. Oh I'm not wrong. Love should feed you. If it doesn't, maybe some key ingredient is missing? I'm not advocating everyone dump their current partner and search for someone who makes their soul sing, I'm just letting some of my thoughts spread their wings. In nearly every other aspect of this insanity that human beings call life, if we have a need to meet and the place/person/service who is initially equipped to meet this need can no longer perform said action, do we simply deny we have an unmet need and continue on unfulfilled? What if your car needs gas and the gas station where you normally fill up is closed, do you go without gas? Do we dine at one restaurant our entire lives? Drive one car? Shop in only one store? I don't. Why then does it seem necessary for us to think that one person can fulfill our need for love for the rest of eternity? And no, before you get your knickers of righteous indignation in a twist, I'm not saying we need to love everyone, I'm just saying that the heart has an amazing capacity for love, sometimes, it's nice to share that with someone special, even if you promised to love honor and cherish another till death do you part. Is breaking a vow to someone any worse than ignoring what your heart needs? You are important too. Keep that in mind.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love."
Will you look at that? Another quote found it's way into my entry. Must be the insomnia playing with my mind. Go back and read that quote again. Yes, that's an order! One word frees us. That's what Sophocles thought. Myself, I don't know if just one word fits the bill? What about the word "yes"? Is there anything more freeing to the human soul than to hear a passionate, "yes" whispered in your ear? Do you have someone in your life that makes you feel unbearably light and happy? Have you told them you love them? Why not? Stop being so rational and let instinct guide you for a while. I read somewhere that you should love and cook with wild abandon. I like that idea, it suits me a lot better than making a list of pros and cons and keeping some poor person awake all night telling them how I feel when I could be showing them. Gandhi said silence can never be misquoted. While that may be true based on a technicality in the wording, silence can certainly be misconstrued and even more often than that, misunderstood. Tell me what you want. Tell me how you feel. Tell me to fuck off if it suits you, just don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Silence can be cold and deafening too. "Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot."
I'm a passionate person, in pretty much every area of my life. Love, hate, want, need, hell- I bet I can even be passionately indifferent if so inclined. With that passion comes a lot of what some consider to be drawbacks; a quick temper, impetuousness, mood swings, insomnia, what have you. Would I trade it for a chance to be level headed and logical. Fuck no! Where's the fun in that? A friend told me that I could avoid a lot of the problems I seem to encounter (a polite way of saying "cause" I'm sure) by not being me. What? Is that even an option? Who pretends to be someone they aren't just to avoid trouble? It's not my fault if people lose their minds because they assumed they knew what I was trying to say or even worse, feel. Sometimes, what I write isn't directed at anyone in particular. Don't, for one second, think I'm going to let a few jackasses make me censor what I say. I want to leave my mark on society, I can't do that while driving around in a minivan being politically correct, swilling diet coke, wearing a velour track suit and matching scrunchie ensemble, listening to adult contemporary music whilst shuttling my children to one of their many activities that dump them into a group instead of encouraging them to be individuals. I understand there's no "I" in team, but there's a "you" in fuck you.
Now just to show you that I can give till it hurts, let me leave you with this tasty morsel: "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Martin Luther King Jr.
The results are in...The 42nd Annual Shito Ryu Genbu Kai Karate Do All Dojo Tournament Sunday November 4, 2007 Women's 36-45 division Green Belt Kata BRONZE MEDAL WINNER!!!! (That's me!!) BECAUSE I KICKED SOME ASS!! KISS ME-YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO (I'll be in the shower-meet me there) Getting ready to rumble!Tomorrow morning, at 9am I will be competing in my second karate tournament! My first as a green belt
 ! So come kiss me good luck, pat my ass and send me to bed...and thank you to someone very special, it made all the difference to be supported unconditionally, and not by my horrendously expensive sports bra designed by structural engineers! I'll be back in the next few days with a full report...
 Raven |
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