Does Macy's have a gay apparel department? Anyone? Don't adjust your monitors or genitalia, it's not an Internet hoax, it's true, The Magnificent Raven (followed by a herald of trumpets) has resurfaced after a month that would have left most mortals in a jacket with no sleeves locked in a padded room attempting not to drool on themselves. Or for most of you, the same reaction looking at my photos has on you! Run on sentences-WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

     I won't share all the gory details of my mysterious disappearance (I'm not THAT kind of blogger), some of you know and the rest of you can be ass hurt because I didn't tell you, but you can ask Santa to hold you whilst you write about it in your journals. I will however, being a beautifully stacked and delightfully sarcastic goddess, tell you that it involved my mother, a call to 911, a 9 day hospital stay (hers, not mine),  rain rain and more fucking rain, leaky ceilings, and the pickle on my crap sandwich:  4 days of stomach flu (mine, not mom's). Please save all questions for the end of our program and  thank you for not making me drown you in your own egg nog before the holidays are over.

     What? No seasonal rant blasting the greed and materialistic corruption of this holiday season also stolen from the happy naked Pagans? No my darlings, not tonight...You see, I don't hate the holidays, not at all. Sure, I don't believe that Jesus is the reason for the season, but if you do, that's peaches and creamy with me. And yeah, I don't condone going into debt to buy buy buy, but again, it's not my bank account being drained, but I do believe in spreading my holiday joy, blinding the world with my million dollar smile, hugging with my whole body, giving gifts that I have made with my own two intensely talented hands *wiggling eyebrows*, and sharing my home baked goods so scrumptious your eyes will roll back in your skull and you'll be speaking in tongues! Show of hands, who wants a mug of hot schnapplets and some warm raspberry vodka infused lemon cake glazed with dark chocolate?

     ...And Raven exclaimed, as she flew out of sight, Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!