A well timed phone call filled to the brim with raucous laughter ended last night on a high note.  Thank you for that.  Ok, that's all the mushy touchy feely crap you're going to get out of me today you naughty naughty people.  Or is that me? Yes, sorry, I'm naughty naughty and you're the people.  Now see what I have done, gotten off track again.  If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

    So, my entire day has been fan-fucking-tastic, but I'm not going to bore all of blogland with a play by play of it.  Instead, I'll summarize and you can build whatever you want out of the components. Deal? Feel free to use hand puppets, sock puppets, interpretive dance, flash cards, anal intruders, wireless microphones, Halloween costumes, dried pasta, video cameras, and/or ride on lawn mowers to add your own spin.  The possibilities, like my ability to make nearly anything sound sexual, are limitless!!  Are we ready to ramble?  Now turn those condoms inside out so they are ribbed for YOUR pleasure and let's play!  Here are your ingredients:

     Curve hugging strapless dark denim sundress, red patent sling back stilettos, curls loose, glossed lips, freshly showered caramel skin smelling like coconut and mango, wiggled my ass out of the house in search of some pretty summer dresses, undressed, dressed, undressed, dressed, finally settled on two, saw something shiny, spent money, was drawn into T-Mobile by an inexplicable force, left with a brand spankin' new camera phone (same # for my stalkers stalking pleasure), realized that the universe is no longer a safe place, smiled wickedly, took extreme close up photos of hubby while he was driving, made philanthropic choice to take aforementioned smoldering dress filled with T & A to Home Depot, resisted urge to ask men about their big tools, unsuccessfully attempted to walk in 4" heels AND download new ring tone, touched A LOT of wood, spent a little more, had lunch with hubby, laughed a lot, finally settled on "Ding dong the witch is dead" for ring tone, headed home....and the rest I'll leave to your imaginations...

   Just remember: I now have a camera phone, despite the Geneva Convention regulations stating that I am not to be trusted with one.  From this day forward, anything you say, do, or wear can and will be used against you, something about coleslaw, for better or for worse, in sickness and in stealth, fornicating all others, by the power vested in me by the state of arousal ~RAVEN

  You may now kiss the _______. 

    To confuse and amuse you, I-the Magnificent Raven- in a limited engagement, will be playing nicely with others!  Seems that Brent has tagged me. Why he didn't just grope or fondle me is a mystery, but if tagging creams his Twinkie...

The Rules Are:

1. Link the person who tagged you

2. Mention the rules in your blog

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

4. Tag 6 new bloggers you know and leave a link to them in your space

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blog letting them know they've been tagged.

Because I am who I am, I will be slightly altering the rules to suit me.  If you have a problem with it, might I offer you this tin of lip balm so you don't chap your lips while kissing my round ass.  Now, here are my fantastically spectacular quirks--DJ--play my mother fucking song:

My 6 spectacular quirks are:

1. On the days that I am not sporting my Paris panties, my panties and bra must always match color and/or print.

2. I HATE having my photo taken. 

3. Pastel colors make me feel agitated.

4. I never put the international divide thingamabob on the grocery store conveyor belt before loading mine up there. I love to conduct my own behavioral experiment and see how many items I can unload before the person in front of me snaps and slams it down whilst glaring at me.

5. I'm a compulsive gum chewer, but I will only chew one particular brand and only one flavor.

6. The only way I will eat raw tomatoes is in absurdly hot fresh salsa.  Ok, there is one time that I willing ate them in caprese salad, but I have a soft spot for the man who offered them to me.   

The rules now state that I must tag 6 new bloggers.  Would that be ageism? What if I want to tag old bloggers?  Now, who will be my "new" unsuspecting victims? 

1.  Shupe  

2. Steven

3. Patrick

4. Paul

5. Mercy

6. Holly

   Happy Earth Day to you, Happy Earth Day to you, Happy Earth Day dear, ummm.....Earth?  Happy Earth Day to yooouuuu!!!  Now, if it's not too much trouble, could someone tell me why just one day a year is designated as Earth Day?  Shouldn't we be doing our part to preserve,conserve, reserve and other words ending in "erve" every day?  Oh, shit, hold on, I'm supposed to be wearing that flowing organic hemp gown and the chain of daisies in my hair while pontificating about this.  My bad.  Give me a second to change, go recycle something until I get back. GO!

   Ok, I'm back.  Hemp is itchy, so I'm going uber-green and just sitting here naked typing this.  That way, I'm saving on fabric AND the utilities necessary to launder my clothing.  Yes, you may worship me at will. for my dedication to the planet.  I try valiantly to do my part every day to reduce my carbon footprint to the size of woodland fairy's.  I drive a fuel efficient vehicle, walk my daughter to school and back, my son takes the bus, which qualifies as carpooling, n'est ce pas? We don't drink sodas-therefore reducing the need to recycle the cans, I buy organic locally grown produce whenever possible, irritate the holy fuck out of my family with my utility Nazi methods of keeping the energy consumption to a minimum, etcetera etcetera etcetera.

   Now, some of my confusion comes when trying to choose my beauty products.  Yes, I'm fully aware that what deodorant, make up, toothpaste, lotions, shampoo, et all I choose has little bearing on the planet's future, but keep in mind that this is my space and I could most likely kick anyone's ass if so inclined. Dammit, see what happened, I got distracted with visions of roundhouse kicks dancing in my head.  So much information shoved up our asses in regards to the imminent dangers (that is accompanied with an ominous soundtrack) of parabens, sulfates, artificial fragrances, PEG's, dyes, petroleum products and various other C.R.A.P. that we should be deathly afraid to put in, on or around our bodies that I am amazed all women aren't resorting to wearing wetsuits to cover our peeling skin, drawing on our faces with sharpie and shaving our heads bald in order to distract men from the fact that we have switched to all natural aluminum free deodorants so as to not end up with Alzheimer's one day.  Of course, since all natural deodorant may leave you smelling like the inside of death's ass, memory loss may not be such a bad thing?   So, I buy all natural products for my hair and teeth and body, leaving me with soft touchable curls and skin so smooth it should be illegal, but I take my own life in my hands every day by using a flirty berry scented deodorant with the nightmare inducing aluminum so people will come close enough to me to benefit from the exorbitant amounts of cash I shell out for manically organic beauty products.  Again, can anyone tell me why using things found in nature is so much more expensive than slathering the largest organ on my body with some chemical laden drug store crap?  And no, YOU aren't the largest organ on my body!

   I think ending with a large organ reference is perfect, so I'll bid you all a happy Earth Day, I'm off to be green by gardening and then washing my car, all whilst naked!  You see, it IS easy being green!

     It seems, against my will and without my consent, I am back.  In case you hadn't noticed, I have once again been MIA, but this time, I have a very good reason.  Ok, 3 very good reasons: my giant man and devastatingly gorgeous offspring were on vacation last week, so we decided to violate as many public places as humanly possible every day.  I have, for your viewing pleasure, included a few of my favorite pictures that I snapped on some of our little escapes. 

    I'm tired tonight, seeing as I had to wake up with my alarm this morning, for the first time in over a week, so I'll just give you a quickie.  A quickie really does hit the spot sometimes, no? Yes?  Anyone?

     The first set of photos were taken as we hiked through Holy Jim Canyon in search of the elusive "Holy Jim Falls".  These sound much more dramatic than they really are, but the off roading in and the hour and a half hike to find this tiny shimmering gem of a waterfall were all worth it. 

     Sneaking off to Disneyland was part of our week's fun, but I don't generally drag the camera for each trip, so that takes us to our whaling, I mean whale watching trip on Wednesday afternoon.  As we were loading the offspring in the car, we couldn't resist asking them if they had their spears for the whaling trip, to which my son replied, "Call me Ishmael", wonder where he gets that twisted sense of humor? We never did see any whales, or even dolphins, which was a bit strange, but simply being out on the open ocean on a boat bouncing in the waves was good for my soul.  The water was rough that day, the bow of the boat rising some 8-10 feet above of the water at times.  I looked behind me after one particularly big wave splashed over the rails and I was the only one standing on the front of the boat.  Most of the passengers had moved to the back where there were benches, or up inside the cabin (pussies!), the majority suffering from some sort of seasickness.  My daughter was slouched against a wall, my son draped over the railing and the hubby halfway between them.  So, like any good mother would, I pretended I didn't notice and kept on smiling as the water and sunshine kissed my face.  Ok, so that mother of the year award won't grace my mantle AGAIN this year.  Damn. Since we didn't see whales or dolphins, we all received free tickets to come back again anytime we want! We're going again in August, that's when the blue whales will be migrating. 

     This is not as quick as I was hoping, so let's just skip Thursday and go right to Friday. We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach.  Lots to see, check out the photos. I'll be back later in the week.  My bed is calling and tonight is the hubby's last night of vacation. 

     Thanks for sticking around.  I'll try to get caught up on everyone's spaces during the week.  Love and kisses~R

     Oh Goodie, an educational blog!!  I know how everyone gathers at the hem of my skirt to wait for a morsel of my infinite wisdom to be tossed down to them, and today, your wildest fantasies can come true!  (Seriously, peek up the skirt, you know you want to)  And now, the three R's...Red Bull, Raven and Road rage, well, that could be four, but if you have that much time to nit pick, perhaps I can add you as a stop on my tour. 

     This morning I discovered that sugar free Red Bull is NOT a breakfast food.  If you don't believe me, ask anyone I drove behind or next to on my weekly trip to Crazyville to see my mother.   As it turns out, not only was it, S.H.I.T., but it was also "wear your light up ass hat with the jingle bell on top while you drive" day.  Being a master of public relations AND courteous driving, I felt it was my civic duty as a concerned citizen and road safety advocate to point these people out.  This is best done using one's middle finger, of either hand, or sometimes both, although it would be irresponsible of me to instruct you to take both hands off the wheel.  That move should only be executed by professional road warriors, so use caution. At this point you may think that I have some inter-automobile anger management issues, this could not be farther from the truth, you see, each time I lovingly let someone know that I  think they are number 1, I smile at them before I purse my luscious lips into a pretty kiss for them.  Yes, I am a giver.

     A quiet morning drive would not be complete without proper musical accompaniment, my choice this morning being Black Sabbath's War Pigs.  Nothing gets me in the mood to yank someone out of their moving vehicle like a little morning metal.  As my life anthem, "Because I'm Awesome" by the Dollyrots wrapped up and the dulcet notes of War Pigs thundered through my speakers and rattled my windows, a man in a crossover vehicle abruptly veered into my lane.  The fact that he is driving one of these vehicular monuments to metro-sexuality was disturbing enough in itself. I was trying to figure out, is it an SUV or a car, when his speed began dropping; 65...60...55...finally holding steady at a homicidal rage inducing 48 mph.  The cars behind me began to whip around this festering ass rash, but I was inexplicably trapped, possibly because I was toying with the idea of executing a PIT maneuver so I had crawled right up his tailpipe.  Seeing as I was close enough to see what radio station he was listening to, I noticed that he was leaning to the right and holding his cell phone to his ear, talking and throwing his head back in an ass raping fit of giggles.  This is when I snapped. 

    I am fully aware that he could not hear me, but this is only because my hubby has refused my numerous requests to equip my car with a PA system citing that we can't afford the bullet proof glass that would be needed to keep me from becoming a freeway shooting victim.  Did that keep me from coming un-fucking-hinged as I rode his ass without so much as pulling his hair. What do you think?  For those of you that haven't subscribed to the All Raven-All the Time channel, here's the transcript:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??  WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A HANDS FREE DEVICE FOR YOUR PHONE YOU IGNORANT MOTHER FUCKER??  I HOPE THAT PHONE CALL IS WORTH IT WHEN I GRIND YOU INTO THE WALL!!  WHEN YOUR VEHICLE IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT PULLS YOU CHARRED CARCASS FROM THE BURNING WRECKAGE THE ONLY QUESTION THEY'RE GOING TO ASK IS HOW THE FUCK DID HIS CELL PHONE END UP IN HIS ASS!! GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE, YOU AREN'T THAT IMPORTANT!!!  FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!

     Feeling much better after getting that off my chest, I saw my exit and proceeded to whip out from behind him at a high rate of speed, making sure to show him that he's first on my list as I passed him.  The "recommended" speed limit on that off ramp was 35, I flew past it at 70.   Now, who wants to carpool?