Oh yeah, it's HOT out here!! We topped out at 104 today, which is hot, but not the bad part of the weather by any means. The bad part about our current heat wave is the dry air.  Yesterday we we're supposed to exist in 13% humidity, today it rose to an afro-inducing 16%!! What the hell is going on out here? Island blood, people, I don't like dry air!! Come on!  In an effort to counteract the arid conditions, I dragged my minions to the lake for a day of frolicking and frivolity.  YAY! The lake by our house is man made, but it's a private lake, so it's not crowded as I'm sure the beach was today, which makes me a very happy woman.  When we arrived just after 10am, there were maybe 10 people there already.  I know, I'm spoiled, what can I say?  My offspring bolted for the water and left me to arrange our homestead for our first lake day of the year.  I got everyone's towels laid out, stowed water bottles and backpacks in the shade of the palm tree and then heard my little man requesting his crocodile raft.  Without really giving it much thought, I grabbed the raft and flipped in on it's back to open the valve, that's when I got a severe case of the giggles thinking about the placement of the valves. You know it had to be a man's design when the valve stem is located precisely where the penis would be should my raft have a penis. Oh trust me, if it did have a penis, it would be located on the top so I could float along sitting astride my raft and smiling! 

     Being unbalanced as I am, I wondered: What would be the best way to approach the blowing of the crocodile? Should I lay him on his back and kneel off to the side leaning over him? Perhaps I could stand it up against a tree and kneel in front of it?  No, that won't do, how about if I crawl on top of the raft with my face down on the valve and my ass pointed at the crocodile's head, that seems fair, right? Reciprocity is always nice.  So, there I was, sitting on the sand, fellating, I mean inflating a giant vinyl crocodile, my mind off somewhere else and I was smiling. Oh it was a big smile too! Did you see it all the way out there? In any case, the crocodile was blown and everyone was happy. Oh yeah, it was a hot one today! And...Happy Summer Solstice!! 

     I've been double dared! Double dared I tell you! Seems that my best [man]friend thinks I'm entirely too happy to rant anymore, so he dared, and then to add insult to his potential injuries, double dared me to attempt to rant in my current state of utter bliss.  So, I eloquently told him, "It's on!".  Yes, I know, I'm quite gifted with words, you may now drop to your knees and worship at my altar. I SAID NOW!!

    As many of you know, ranting is something that cannot be forced, it must be taken by the hand and led gently to the stream. It's an art form, if you will *shuddering orgasmically*. Ok, now I'm just talking out my ass! Where did that saying originate? Talking out one's ass? Is that even possible? If one can manage to converse out of one's ass then what purpose would our mouths serve *mind wandering to the bad place again*? Dammit! I was distracted with my own oral fixation! And now many of you are distracted with my oral fixation as well, so my evil plot to rule the world is coming along nicely. I'd evil laugh, but Steven knows what happens when I do, and he'd mock me, then I'd have to deny him access to the evil underground lair which would leave him in the corner writing about his feelings in his journal.  We don't want that, or do we? No, we don't. Trust me on this.

    Oh shit, I forgot to rant. That's why I'm here, right? Did you really think I was here to stand in front of the fan wearing just my sarong so you could marvel at how it blows wide open (the sarong, not the fan)? It might be sarong, but it feels so right! (am I ranting yet?) No? CRAP! Ok, let me focus my power on something that chaps my round ass...everyone be very still for a moment so I can think...ok, you all sitting perfectly still doesn't really help me think, I just wanted to see if you would. Because I'm EVIL! Like the Fru-its of the DEVIL!! 

    Ranting!! I'm supposed to be ranting!! There's no way I'm letting that hot hunk of a man think I've gone all giggles and stiff nipples...so I must focus my power and find my rant! I can be sure it's not in my pocket since I'm not wearing anything under the sarong, so where did it go? I think the best course of action is for me to slip my hand under my sarong and feel around, see what comes to mind.  I may not find my rant, but honestly, I probably won't care.  Oh yeah....that feels goooooood! Ok, no rant yet, but as I always say: if you can't beat it, eat it.

***this just in*** A reliable source has informed me that a "real man" would "Triple dog dare" me (I just like encasing words in "quotation marks") because that's where the rubber meets the road (???).  So do it JR, triple dog dare me, and make the stakes sweet...I'm in the mood to play!

      Right now I'm consumed with the thought of sitting around a campfire with something hot, sweet and sticky in my mouth *licking lips slowly*.  Since THAT'S not happening in the next few minutes, I have decided to actually sit my ass in a real live chair, fire off a lapdance, or something involving music, bumping, grinding and dancing, and see what falls out of the dark recesses of my twisted brain, or my sundress.  This is a great song blaring in my ear right now, Eve ft. Swizz beats "Shake your tambourine", one of those songs that makes even the biggest stick in the mud unclench their ass cheeks and dance!!  I tried holding the ear buds up to your ear, but I'm not sure that works. Ella and I also discovered that dead sea mud masks don't make it across the world simply by stuffing them in your CD ROM drive. No, they do not! 

Today I used the words "flash drive" in a sentence involving the most convenient way to easily access an ass load of photos of me and I believe I made a grown man giggle. It was GRAND!!  Oh you should have heard him when I said "hard drive".  Laughter is by far one of the best things people can share!  Not the best *wiggling eyebrows*, but one of the best for certain! 

Ok, I'm going to be needing a vacation this summer, a week, all to myself.  I figure if I dig out the webcam and hook it to the top rail of the trampoline to make some extra money to buy a brass pole to dance around to make even more extra money, I can vacation alone.  Either that or I can open it up to a bidding war?  Someone make me an offer I can't refuse.  Anyone? You, over there on your cell phone while riding a unicycle, how about it?

The fruit loops of my loins finish out their school year one week from today. Normally, at this point, I'm trying to find ways to keep one of those hydration packs filled with Malibu rum to get through 10 weeks of bickering and whining, "I have nothing to do", or "I'm bored" and whatever the kids say to each other when the spouse and I finally go to neutral corners, but not this year. For some unknown reason, I'm looking forward to having nothing in particular to do except lay like lizards in the sun either at the lake, the pool, or the beach.  Looks like my unusual mothering techniques are finally showing some results!  Either that or it's the drugs?

1.Besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get kissed?
My body, every single inch of it.

2. Were you happy when you woke up today?
I always wake up happy!! It's pretty irritating to those around me actually.

3. How about now?
Yeah, I'm really happy right now!

4. Do you eat candy on a daily basis?
nope

5. Who was the last person you ate with?
My minions

6. Are you currently taking a science class in school?
No, go away now.

7. Kiss on the first date?
Yes, always, ask Angie *smirking*

8. Would you rather have chicken or steak?
I find that steak makes a nice hat, but chicken works better as a purse. I gave my porter house to Thom Kansas

10. Are you different now than you were six months ago?
yes, I'm 6 months older

11. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
I'm an excellent drinker, only on Sunday

12. How old will you be in 6 months?
39

13. Who was the last person to text you?
Steven

14. In what month is your birthday?
September

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yes, I have a life outside my house, thanks for asking.

16. When was the last time you saw your dad?
two weeks ago when I gave him a haircut, was that the last time?? OH NO!!

17. How many pets do you have?
Human or animal? Please specify

18. How many houses have you lived in?
review the files, stalker.

19. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
see above

20. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
no show socks only with my running shoes or boots, otherwise no socks with shoes EVER!

21. What is your favorite color?
for the 14 millionth time, it's PURPLE!! Crap! Pay attention!

22. What are you doing for your next birthday?
I can't tell you, it's classified.

23. What are you thinking about right now?
see above

24. Any plans for next weekend?
nope,let's make it a sperm of the moment kind of weekend, ok?

25. Do you smile a lot?
YES! Most of the time, even as I double up my fist and knock you the F*CK out, you'll see my pearly whites as you drop.

26. When was the last time you cried and why?
Yesterday, but they were happy tears, as silly as that term is. YOU know what I mean,don't you? *looking at JR*

27. Have you ever had a life-threatening injury?
nope

28. What do you want to be when you grow up?
In answering this, have I in any way agreed to grow up? Please advise.

29. Do you like flying or driving?
I LOVE to fly!

30. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
I learned to drive in a stick shift, and I can also ride a motorcycle, bitch!

31. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
my kids

32. Do you wear any jewelry daily?
nose piercing, bracelet, rings, watch

34. Who is the funniest person you know?
I am! Duh!

35. How often do you remember your dreams?
50/50, ok, maybe 60/40?

36. What is your ringtone?
"ding dong the witch is dead"...you laugh, but I'm not joking!

37. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk?
Vanilla soy milk

38. Are you mad about anything?
not any more, grudges are toxic for my soul.

39. What time did you go to sleep last night?
around 2am

40. It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be?
I hope that never happens, that's enough to induce panic.

41. Have you kissed anyone over 18?
over 18 what?

42. How is life going for you right now?
*grinning*...Why? What did you hear?

43. Who was the last person you talked to on MSN?
My very good friend Steven

44. Last words you spoke?
I have not spoken my last words yet, are you trying to get rid of me?

45. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an M?
yes, I think, no? Hmmm...does it matter?

47. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
HELLO!!! Is this thing on??

48. What do you currently hear right now?
my fingers clicking on the keys and the slaves rattling their chains and Loreena McKennit

49. What do you think your best friend's doing right now?
Trying to figure out a way to come visit me

50. How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
man, how old was this e-mail? I should check my other account more often.

51. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
UFC!!

53. Do you feel like dancing?
I ALWAYS feel like dancing!!! So I do!!

54. How much money do you have on you?
I'm wearing my favorite shirt and a pair of black booty shorts, no pockets. Guess where I'm keeping my wallet.   

55. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
why shouldn't they be?

56. Do you speak another language other than English?
you bet your sweet ass I do!  or should I say: vous pariez votre âne doux que je fais !

57. What did you do today?
So far I have made breakfast for the minions, loaded the dishwasher, made green tea, read love letters, and finished answering this.

58. Did you date anyone last summer?
not to the best of my knowledge.

59. Who was the last friend in your house?
that isn't blood related to me...Angie, and she's due to be in my house again soon!

60. Is there someone you want to fight?
No, they aren't worth my time.  Living well is the best revenge, right?

61. Song playing right now?
Loreena McKennit's Mystic Dance

62. What’s your middle name?
If I want you to know, you already do.

63. What were you doing an hour ago?
writing a letter

65. Do you secretly like someone?
if it's a secret, why would I tell you?

66. Where were you Friday night?
kicking ass in karate

67. Do you wear a seatbelt in the car?
Always

68. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else?
Well, considering that every time someone says, "Are you ___?", I deny it and walk away quickly. So I'm going with Fuck Off.

69. Next vacation you're going on?
I haven't gotten my next assignment yet, but I'm hoping for someplace with a lot of wilderness.

70. Do you have any piercings?
Mmmmm hmmmm, guess where? 

71. What's something you really want right now?
*sigh*

72. Do you like to text or call more?
neither really. I like to use telepathy to convey my wishes. 

73. What's the closest blue object to you?
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have tied that so tight *blushing*

74. Is there anyone you hate?
No, hating them would make it seem like they were important.

75. Do you like the colour blue?
I don't dislike it at all, unless it's the color of someone's skin, then I let them up for air until they pink up a bit.

76. Where did you go on your last road trip?
Weren't you following me? No? Then who was that?

77. Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
NEVER!!

78. What is the weather like today?
It's glorious!! And the weather wasn't bad either.

79. Who did you last talk to on the phone for over 20 minutes?
Cat

80. Where will you be in an hour?
Still wandering around trying to figure out why NO ONE has waffles waiting for me when I awaken!!

81. What does your best friend call you?
*wicked grin* one of them calls me Bubba, but I'll answer to just about anything. 

82. Have you ever kissed someone with braces?
braces on their what exactly? If you want a good answer, ask a good question!

84. How many pillows on your bed?
2, plus Raul

87. Do any of your friends annoy you?
No, we always use plenty of lube

88. When was the last time you cried from laughing so hard?
Yesterday, I was watching Jackass 2.5

89. What are you listening to right now?
Isn't this roughly the same as #48?

90. Who do you make fun of the most?
Myself

91. What's the longest you stayed on the phone?
The phone is really small, and kind of hard, so I can't stay on it for long without slipping off.

92. Has your best friend ever seen you cry?
Yes, no, not yet.

93. Where did you last go out to eat?
I took the kids out for Mexican food for lunch

94. Do you dance in the car?
I dance everywhere!!

95. Do you and your best friends act alike?
You're just trying to get me to tell you who my best friends are. It won't work!

96. What is a noise that you cannot stand?
The sound of mother cluckers standing around, well...clucking.

97. Have you lied within the past 24 hours?
What do you think?  Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

98. Where did you get your last cut?
In my bathroom

99. Would you rather sleep at a friend's or have them over?
Yes, please.

100. Have you ever thought you were going to die?
For a fleeting second when I saw the headlights coming straight at me, then I was unconscious.

101. How do you like your steak?
Left on the cow

103. Do you own any Hollister or American Eagle shirts?
No, I have all my own teeth and I'm not a homosexual male.  Never mind, I am.

104. Ever shop at a thrift store?
I grew weary of this inquisition about 55 questions ago.

105. Do you have depressing days?
My days are often depressing for others , but for me? Not so much.

106. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
Hell yeah! 

107. Where will you be 12 hours from now?
Making a jacket out of interwoven frankfurter skins or gluing human skulls to my ice cream truck.

108. What about 4 hours from now?
Playing in the sunshine!!

109. Is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated?
Are you familiar with my work?

110. Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
My birthday suit and those sinister new stilettos I bought. Oh, and a big smile!