Leave it to a couple of self professed thinkers to make the astute observation that my comments can often be of an inappropriate nature.  Just think how twisted their knickers would have been if I had gone with my original thought and wrote that the jealous and insecure female might as well have backed up and pissed all over her fancy Internet loverman's space in order to mark her territory?  I suppose that driving two hours, checking into a motel to wait for a man you have never met in person to show up and then fucking him the first time you occupy common space is a completely appropriate decision.  Obviously, I didn't get that memo.  Last month, a young woman that lives near me left her house and hopped on the back of a motorcycle to attend a party with a man she had only known online.  She hasn't been seen since.  That seems like a very appropriate end for her, doesn't it?

    It's common knowledge to anyone with a marginally functional brain that my comments are generally inappropriate, but that does not necessarily make them untrue.  I suppose that's why they sting some people's fragile egos.  Those are the same people that spend endless hours devouring the drivel published in self-help books and waste countless decades of their lives attempting to find themselves or that one special, in a helmet for daily living kind of way, person that might make them feel complete.  One they can lay on their bellies writing about in their journals.  The one they can henpeck for having a friend of the opposite sex, make ludicrous demands on, and then keep awake all night "talking it out".  Oh goodness, I just threw up in my mouth typing that.

    So, just to avoid any further confusion, let's all keep in mind that I never decreed this to be one of those Miss Mary fucking Sunshine type of spaces.  If you feel my comments are of an inappropriate nature then at least I can rest assured that my point is being made clearly.  I like to think of it as my way of weeding out the weak.  I warned you all that I am a boat rocker, but I'm also an excellent swimmer.

    COVER YOUR EYES!!  I'M NAKED!!  Oh my goodness, quit looking from between your fingers, that's not fooling anyone, just own it and openly ogle me, here...I'll spin around so you can see all of me.  So, the title, that's what I was going to explain to you.  Yesterday we went camping with one of my girlfriends and her family and she was reading this book called, How to Look Good Naked.  When I saw Karla holding that book I was confused.  I asked her, "you need a book to find out how to look good naked?".   She looked up and smirked as I continued, "I had no idea.  I just get naked, strut around and figure I look pretty damn good!".   Now Karla is laughing and snorting, my hubby is smiling like a crocodile at the lake, and Karla's husband adds, "That's what I'm talking about!"  The conversation continues with me asking what she needs to know about being naked, and more importantly, what does the book say?  Huh huh? What does it say? Moving my chair closer to hers we proceed to read one of the biggest wastes of paper outside of that flagrant  act of deforesting and menace to humanity, what is it called again?  Oh yes, Cosmopolitan!!  So back to getting naked with Karla, ok, now we aren't, oh hell, imagine what you will...I'll still be here when you are done firing your lap rocket.  Feel better? May I continue on this journey into Karla's struggle to be as free with her sexuality as her fabulous friend(that's me!)? Karla is reading to me about how you can take self tanner and apply it to that crease below your ass cheeks so that your butt has a more defined contour to it?  I'm sorry, what crease?  My ass doesn't crease over my legs.  Is your ass supposed to lay sadly on your thighs? I didn't get that memo either!  I think some power walking would do a more permanent job giving your ass a more defined contour, but that's just me. Ok, so what else does it say?  The book also had a helpful chapter on preparing your breasts so they look good when you are naked, too.  Preparing our breasts?  Will this involve marinade or one of those funky meat mallets? Now just to help you along with the visual you may have already conjured in your twisted mind, and I say that with a generous helping of love as I do LOVE a twisted mind, Karla's chest is as big as mine, it just rides a lot lower, so we are now reading such handy hints like: apply bronzer between your breasts to give the illusion of cleavage.  No problem here, what's next?  Be sure to tweeze the hairs from around your nipples before getting naked.  WHAT?!?!!!  Women don't have hair around their nipples? Do you, I mean they?  I inform Karla that I, in fact, do NOT have hair around my nipples and she then demonstrates for me the TMI stun maneuver.  My brain is still struggling to be rid of that thought.  Hold on while I hit myself with my high heeled sandal....We then proceeded to laugh at the idea that we adorn our various and assorted body parts with some demonic combination of glitter, concealer, self tanner and/or oil depending on the desired attention we want paid, or not paid, to said body parts.  WHEW!  That was two handfuls and a mouthful!  Needless to say, at the end of the book we had done nothing but establish that Karla has a hairy chest and the book would better serve as kindling to our campfire.  I then shared my secret for looking good naked with Karla.  "Watch this" I whispered in her ear, "HEY DAVE!" when my hubby turned to look I lifted my tank top over my head and shook my money makers at him.  He stood mesmerized, as did her husband, with these goofy grins on their faces ( I was wearing a black bra under my tank top you deviants).   I said, "See? Works every time"

    This first week of vacation was up, down, in, out, good, bad, ugly and great at any given time.  Kind of like me.  We didn't do a whole lot really.  We hiked to the elusive Barbara's Lake to gaze in wonder at the only natural lake in Orange County. That occupied an hour total. Whoop de do.  I think the lake might have been more impressive if we had hiked longer or had to work harder to get there, but after an easy 15 minute walk it was just like, "oh, there it is".  We did explore the nature center, but that's nothing I need to flex my fingers to retell.  I had much more interesting things to do with my fingers tonight. 

     Really the only other thing we did was make our annual pilgrimage to the OC Fair on Tuesday.  I took my camera this year to attempt to unravel the mystery of how many foods can you find on a stick at a county fair, only to be distracted by the alarming and, quite frankly, disgusting things that the carnies have found to batter and deep fry and serve to the people who like their food, well, battered and deep fried.  Sadly, I am not one of those people.  BUT...I did photograph a few of the things I saw.  I'll post those later. I had more campfire stories too, but I'm wiped out.  Maybe tomorrow.  

PS- I see I can't leave you people alone for a  few days!  Everything changed when I was away, Didn't anyone raise their hand and tell MSN that they do not wish to ride? 

     As promised, I have returned, but only long enough to say good-bye.  Once your heart starts beating again, let me finish.  When the big man awakens in a few hours, I, The Magnificent Raven, will be officially on vacation.  Come on, pull it together, you won't be able to read the screen through all that sobbing.  It's only for 2 weeks, and I may still pop in here and there to regale you with something I've witnessed or more accurately, caused.  I realize that over the last (insert number of months you have been looking to me as the only source of joy in your daily existence) here, many of you have become addicted to me. While knowing this does make me smile to mask the consternation,  the withdrawal symptoms that occur when you are denied the nocturnal naughtiness that only I can provide can be not only debilitating, but humiliating as well.  Some of the symptoms include, but are not limited to the following:

1. A sudden urge to dance seductively around a brass pole while wearing only a red leather thong and a smile. Which could be any Tuesday night for Des.

2. Answering people's innocent questions simply by holding up your middle finger and smiling devilishly.

3. Craving food so spicy it puts hair on your ass then subsequently burns it right off.

4. Spontaneous erections lasting more than 4 hours (Call me immediately if this occurs!!)

5. Sobbing inconsolably every time someone asks if you want fries with that.

6. Sitting naked in front of your computer for hours staring at my photos and touching yourself inappropriately.  Ok, most of you probably have this penciled in your day planner right after "eat breakfast", but it would be irresponsible of me not to include it.

7. Waking up in the middle of the night covered in marshmallow fluff and coconut.

8. Driving all the way to work in first gear only to discover that you were holding your penis and not the gear shift.

9. Signing in to messenger 5000 times a day in hopes that you will be fortunate enough to catch me at home for a fleeting moment.

10. Dropping to your knees every time a raven takes flight, shaking your fists at the sky and wailing, "COME BACK RAVEN....PLEASE...COME BACK!!!"

    I have no idea where I'll be, but just to be safe, I recommend everyone stock up on Malibu rum, condoms, dark chocolate, whipped cream, protective eyewear, liquid latex and plastic sheeting.  You never know where I'll turn up and you certainly don't want to be caught unprepared, but with your pants down is perfectly all right!  In my absence don't do anything I wouldn't do....that makes the possibilities ENDLESS!!! 

Gotta Fly~Raven

Good Day my pretties...I'll be back later to annoy and pester you with, well, just by being me.  For now, enjoy the things that make a word-whore like myself moan their appreciation.  Enjoy!  XXX~Raven

Neologisms; Once again,  The  Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its  yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply  alternate meanings for common words. 
 
The winners  are: 
 
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one  coughs. 
 
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much 
weight you have gained. 
 
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope  of ever
 having a flat stomach. 
 
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt  an explanation while
 drunk. 
 
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 
 
6. Negligent (adj.),  describes a condition in which
 you absentmindedly 
answer the door in  your nightgown. 
 
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a  lisp. 
 
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash. 
 
9. Flatulence  (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
 up after you are run 
over by a  steamroller. 
 
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding  hairline. 
 
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an  exam. 
 
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing 
adopted by proctologists. 
 
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 
 
14. Oyster  (n.), a person who sprinkles his
 conversation with  Yiddishisms. 
 
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular 
demand): The belief that, when 
you die, your Soul flies up onto the  roof and gets
 stuck there. 
 
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in  the front of
 boxer shorts worn by 
Jewish men.
 
The  Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take  any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or  changing one letter, and supply a new  definition. 
 
Here are this year's winners: 
1. Bozone  (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
 people that stops bright 
ideas  from penetrating. The bozone layer,
 unfortunately, shows little sign 
of  breaking down in the near future. 
 
2. Foreploy (v): Any  misrepresentation about
 yourself for the purpose of 
getting  laid. 
 
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
 which  renders the subject 
financially impotent for an indefinite  period. 
 
4. Giraffiti(n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very 
high. 
 
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
 sarcastic wit and  the 
person who doesn't get it. 
 
6. Inoculatte (v): To  take coffee intravenously
 when you are running late. 
 
7.  Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 
 
8. Osteopornosis  (n): A degenerate disease. (This
 one got extra credit.) 
 
9.  Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is
 sending off all  these 
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
 explodes and  it's like, 
a serious bummer. 
 
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
 through the day  consuming 
only things that are good for you. 
 
11.  Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 
 
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas
 to seem smarter  when 
they come at you rapidly. 
 
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
 performed just after  you've 
accidentally walked through a spider web. 
 
14.  Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
 that gets into  your 
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast 
out. 
 
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after
 finding half a grub in  the 
fruit you're eating. 
 
And the pick of the  literature: 
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an
  asshole. 

     Thursday night, when I finally fell asleep, a dream that was not mine was intercepted.  Well I'm not sure if it was a dream, or a conversation, or simply an invitation into someone else's head for a moment in time, but whatever it was, I felt as if I was watching someone else's life for a while.  I wasn't able to get to my laptop right away, but I did scrounge up some paper and jotted down as much as I could recall.  If this belongs to you, I want to thank you for sharing. 

     In this vision, or whatever you decide to call it, I saw a man laying on his back in bed.  He was alone, smack in the middle of the bed, fingers laced together and his hands were behind his head.  As he closed his eyes, these thoughts filled his mind:

For years, I have been alone by my own choosing.  Sometimes, even in a room full of people, I am still alone.  I don't seem to notice in the daylight, but even for me, the nights can be long on occasion and the darkness sometimes feels cold against my skin.  Until I met her.  Her words wrap around me and make me feel as if I'm floating in a warm lake on a perfect Summer day.  I worry that I will forget to answer her, but I get lost in wishful thinking just knowing she's there.  She makes me laugh.  I had forgotten how to laugh at anything other than myself. She has a way about her that is familiar to me, makes me feel good. I wonder what her voice sounds like.  I wonder what her laugh sounds like. 

     Then he fell asleep, smiling.  I seemed to be standing at the foot of his bed watching his chest rise and fall until he rolled onto his side, then I woke up.  So, I'm not sure if I had a dream about someone having a dream, or if I had taken flight on an astral plane again.  When I woke up Friday morning, his thoughts were in my head.  They swirled around in there all day, making me randomly smile.  I know this will go in my file for my insanity hearing, I'm sure the file is quite fat at this point. 

     A Redbull for breakfast inspired me to head to the lake with the offspring today.  After spending all day yesterday watching one of the other three members of my family either sitting at the computer or frantically pressing buttons on an X-Box controller, I decided to proclaim today "The day free from electronic stimulation!", which of course is followed by an ominous dunh dunh dunh.....I didn't ask them if they wanted to go, I simply walked past them, tossing the appropriate swimsuit at them as I did.  "Where are we going?" they inquired.  I just smiled and kept going, tossing over my shoulder, "just put that on".  10 minutes and an assload of sunscreen later we were en route to the lake a few minutes from our house just South of Stepford.

     The weather today was perfect.  Mid seventies, slight breeze, not a cloud in the sky AND the lake was nearly empty when we got there.  It's almost as if it was meant to be.  The offspring abandoned their gear and the woman that gave them life and ran like lemming to leap into the water.  I planned on joining them, but not just yet. Instead I took this rare moment of nirvana to stretch out my bronzed limbs and bask in the sun a bit.  That's when I spied him, leaned up against the palm tree next to me and grinning at me like a hungry crocodile.  I didn't pay him much attention since I was keeping an eye on the mini-me's but I swear I heard him say, "blow me".  Turning my gaze towards him, I lowered my sunglasses to see if he had actually said anything, or had I finally lost my last shred of sanity.  He smiled, but that was it.  I decided that maybe I was hallucinating from the breakfast of champions I had earlier, so I dug through my bag and found a protein bar.  As I peeled the wrapper back I heard him again, "blow me".  Before I could turn around to see just how deep into crazy ville I had gone, he was in front of me, and still grinning.

    Well, the shore is nearly empty still, so I figured what the hell.  The question now was should I just stay sitting up, or would it be less obvious if I were to lay him on his back?  He answered my silent query by brushing up against my face.  He was so warm from the sun and so smooth.  It was like it was meant to be.  Reaching out for him, I took him by the thighs and pulled him to me, licking my lips as I did.  I used my teeth to softly pull his valve into position and remembering to breathe through my nose, I started to blow him.  The more I would blow, the larger he grew and before I knew it, he felt like he was going to burst.  I was sure that this would cause every eye on the shore to turn towards us, so with a final flick of my tongue, I sealed the deal.  Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand I glanced around him and said huskily,

KIDS......your crocodile raft is done!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If I were a Native American, this is what my tribe would call me.  Well either that or surly bitch, but that doesn't roll off the tongue as nicely now, does it?   It has come to my attention lately that it is ok for everyone to be themselves except me.  Perhaps the problem is that there are so many people out "finding themselves" and I already know exactly who I am.  I guess they want me to be insecure and afraid of everything too. Let me know how that works for you, will you?  I almost fell over laughing when I found out that some bitches, I mean women, oh fuck it, we all know it's the same thing, anyway, some women were slinking over from other spaces to catch a glimpse of the woman behind the naughty comments left all over blogland.  Yeah bitches, I know you're curious.  I can just picture the mother cluckers now, all gathered around the hen house cackling and trying to figure out why the resident cock has been up later than usual, or is smiling more lately, or why he keeps talking about some woman he only knows in this forum like she's a real friend.  The answer is as obvious as the panty line from your giant granny panties, I AM REAL!!  I say what's on my mind, I have a mind, and I'm easy to talk with.  Now that I read that, what's not to like?  There are women that like me too, but most of them also have a difficult time making friends with other women.  Good Goddess it's sooo hard to squelch my urge...oh no...here it comes....I can't stop it... DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL.  No, seriously, there are so many more reasons than that.  I'm sure someone has a list, just ask around. 

     Knowing that my comments are not well received by other people's readers isn't going to get me to play nicely with others.  That's not me.  I write what I feel, if you are one of the people who have had the privilege of spending a few hours talking to me on the phone, you'll know that I converse in the same manner.  I've had dealings with people deleting my comments before, and truthfully, IT PISSES ME OFF!!  But I also understand that it's your blog and you can do what you please with the gift of comment I bestow upon you.  Sometimes I continue to leave comments after an unfortunate deleting incident, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I even behave in a remotely mature fashion and cool off for a few months before leaving comments again.  Bottom line is, ladies, and I use the term loosely, don't give your man shit over something I wrote.  If you have an issue, then strap on a pair and take it up with me directly.  

    Since the scissors are out and I'm running at a breakneck pace, I might as well get the rest of the issues I have right now off my chest. First off, having a college degree just makes you educated, it doesn't make you intelligent.  The next issue I have is with people who think that they need another human to complete them.  Haven't we discussed this already?  If you aren't complete on your own, someone else isn't going to remedy that.  You'll just be two broken people occupying common space.  I also hate it when people expect someone they supposedly love to be responsible for making them happy.  Make yourself happy and happiness will find you.  If you are lucky, you will find someone who lives, loves and most importantly laughs with as much passion as you do.  Especially the laughing part.  Laughter is the most important thing two people can share. Also, being best friends with your lover is disaster waiting to happen.  You need friendships outside of the relationship.  I don't expect my hubby to be my best friend, that's why I have sisters and girlfriends.  And no, whining at me, "but we talk about everything" isn't going to change my mind.  Trust me ladies, he needs someone other than you to talk to, if for no other reason than so he can talk about you. Oh, I'm not quite done...there are a few more still.  I wonder how a woman can be jealous of someone their man converses with online.  If a woman wants to control who you have as a friend in the confines of spaces, comments, or e-mail, then where do you think she'll stop?  What if your mail carrier is a pretty woman, will she accuse you of liking her as more than a mail carrier?  What about the tellers at the bank, or the women with nothing but cucumbers and KY jelly in their shopping baskets?  Is a man supposed to walk around with blinders on for the rest of his  relationship?  Perhaps if the woman had a shred of self confidence, she'd back the fuck off and let him choose his own friends.  Of course when it comes down to a place to stick your penis for a while or the possibility of having an amazing friend, then the penis always wins, right?  I'm talking to your penis...not you!  I had more issues but then Chris signed in and well, his company is so good I lose my need to rant.  So you can thank him for this wrapping up before any blood or tears were shed.

    Just in case though, I'm going to keep these scissors handy.        

     Not one to lay down and pull the covers up over my face, this morning I decided to do as Laura suggested we do and ride that bitch right out of here.  After the spouse logged almost 7 hours of sleep and had ventured out in search of food, I circled up the offspring, slathered them in sunscreen, handed them their sunhats and announced that we were going hiking.  From under one eyelid, still not sure he was ready to be upright and functional, my spouse glanced sideways at me to see if I was serious.  With a wiggle of my eyebrows he knew there was no escaping so he merely asked where I planned on taking us.  Lucky for my family I couldn't sleep well last night so I started looking for places to hike in Orange County.  The list is decent sized and I decided that before the kids go back to school we are going to try to check as many off the list as we can, starting today with one of the trails in Laguna Canyon.  I know that the only natural lake in Orange County is in the foothills above Laguna Beach, but that I am saving for next time. 

     Today's hike was graded moderate and it was a steady ascent up 1 1/2 miles and then a narrow winding path back down through to the other side of the canyon.  At the highest point we were supposed to be able to see the ocean. Our hike lead us past countless sandstone caves, wild sage, trees, flowers, cacti, lizards, plants and as my son pointed out, lots of coyote and mountain lion poop.  We talked the whole way up taking every opportunity to venture off the path to investigate inside the caves, crevices, plants, etc and of course, drinking water.  My daughter informed us all that if we don't drink enough water while we are hiking, we'll die.  Good thing we had her along to keep us alive.  Once at the top of the mountain, or is it a foothill, I don't know what differentiates one from the other, as if it matters, where was I?  Oh yes, once at the top we just stood and looked out towards the ocean letting the cool breeze blow the stress of the last few days out to sea with it.  I felt unstoppable.  Standing up there with the warm rays kissing my skin and my arms outstretched I took a moment to tilt my face towards the sun, close my eyes and inhale deeply.  This was just what I needed.

     When I turned around, I thanked my family for humoring me today.  Despite their confused expressions, they all smiled and began talking at once about what we have seen, how far we have hiked and how much fun they are having.  Even the tired spouse.  The hike down seemed effortless.  So take that Mercury!  You may be moving backwards, but with the strength and determination of an Earth Goddess, I AM PUSHING FORWARD!!  Now take a hike!  I did.     

     I have had a really shitty night for reasons that up until a few minutes ago were completely unknown to me.  I posted a ridiculous bit of nothingness earlier and called it a blog.  In a fit of who knows what and before anyone could comment, I deleted it.  Today I have had the most difficult time expressing myself.  I was prepared to blame Mercury's backward voyage through the wheel of the zodiac, but that can't be the only reason I have gone inexplicably stupid, not me.  I am rarely at a loss for something to say.  Pretending that this rare glimpse into the mind of the woman behind the naughtiness and debauchery is going to make sense would be stretching the truth more than a little.  

    All night I have been experiencing something that isn't mine.  It won't make sense to you so don't sprain anything attempting to decipher it.  Tonight my house was enveloped in a silence that was unnerving.  For the first time in a while, I didn't like being alone and I didn't even seem to be good company for myself.  Normally I am not at a loss for ways to entertain myself but tonight, at the risk of revealing that I am utterly human, all I wanted was a warm body next to me or even just a friendly voice in my ear.  Hours later here I sit alone still.  Too tired to do much of anything but not tired enough to go to bed just yet. 

     I can see that there's no way I'm going to be able to express myself tonight.   Even I can't always hide my emotions behind wildly inappropriate things said at wildly inappropriate times, although I do love to try.  Before I cause more problems simply by being myself, I'm going. 

     Mercury is currently in retrograde in Cancer.  If you don't know what that means and you want a much more detailed explanation than I feel like typing right now, click here.  What that basically means is that Mercury, the planet that rules Virgo and Gemini, is moving backwards astrologically, not literally.  Mercury affects all means of communication, mental clarity and brain function, so you can see how it being in retrograde is not a good thing for the majority of the population.  Until July 24 it is likely that anything you read will have to be read multiple times and arguments, disagreements and miscommunications are rampant.  How do I know this?  Well for the last few weeks I have been more of a bitch than I normally am, spending time either trying to pick a fight with someone or attempting to ward off an argument that, most likely, I started.  Last night I had a moment of clarity and decided to check up on my astrological charts to see if I could find out just what the hell was going on.  I should have know that Mercury was in retrograde just by the way everyone and everything seemed to be so much more difficult than it/they usually are.  Ah, yes, Mercury entered retrograde June 15 and will continue to terrorize us until July 24.  Very nice.

     Since I am a Virgo and for those of you with short term memory problems, ruled by Mercury, when it moves backwards through the zodiac this causes problems because Virgos tend to be control freaks (who would have known!) and Mercury tests our already limited ability to just go with the flow.   For the last few weeks I have struggled just to keep up with the things I do every day, I am scattered and most of the time, I'm tired, which amplifies the other issues.  This week, I am actually tired of being tired which explains why I want to be out in the sunshine and in the water so much.  That's how I recharge or center myself when I feel out of sorts.  Now if I could just figure out a way to stop lashing out irrationally at the damndest times, I might make it until the 24th without throwing blows.  Best of luck to you all. 

     If you read the comments Laura and I exchange, you'll know that we watch Hell's Kitchen.  Usually I watch it Monday night with the spouse, but since he was mandated to work last night, I DVR'd it instead.  We just finished watching it and I feel the time has come to have myself a good and improper rant-o-rama all about the WASTES OF FLESH on that show!  So, Laura babes, this one's for you....

     If you don't watch Hell's Kitchen then this will all be lost on you.   Go masturbate or something while I finish, or if you are already masturbating while you read this, just continue on your voyage of self exploration.  On the first show we met all the contestants, the ones that are gone are inconsequential, which is most likely why they are gone.  I know, some nights I'm so profound I even impress myself.  One of the contestants, a harping little whore named Melissa, had this to say on the first show, " A lot of people misjudge me because of my looks".   After I fell off the couch laughing, I thought to myself, self, how sad is that?  She's not even in the ball park of pretty, it would take a pony keg and an act of sheer desperation to even call her cute AND this week she seems to have grown a soul patch on her chin?  What the hell is that?  To make her even more irritating, as if that could be possible, she has that awful, high pitched nasally whining East coast kind of pollution emanating from her cock holster.  Her voice alone is enough to drive a person to snap, but then this week she came down with a very severe case of verbal diarrhea.  The way she was shrieking orders down to the rest of the women made my hubby turn to me and ask, "so, how long would it have taken for you to throw blows with that one?"  I looked over at him and smiled that purely evil smile of mine and said, "I would have her by her badly dyed hair holding her face on a hot burner hoping her goatee caught fire by now".  He sat back and laughed, maybe because he was amused, maybe because he was afraid?

    Despite Melissa's inability to shut her whine hole, she didn't get eliminated.  Instead, in a zippy and unexpected turn of events, Chef Ramsay put her on the men's team. It must have been the hairs of her chinny chin chin that confused him.  No one got eliminated this week!  What the hell is happening?  Now the men's team is left with: Josh, a tiny little fucker of a man who suffers from little man syndrome and reminds me of Little Jimmy with the big truck, plus he can't cook risotto to save his life.  Rock, who seems to know his way around the kitchen with a fair amount of skill yet the fact that he refers to himself in the third person makes me want him eliminated. Some guy who's name I can never remember so that alone indicates he doesn't have the presence to run his own restaurant, and Melissa with the budding goatee and endless capacity for whining.  The women's team is now comprised of Bonnie, a sweet but painfully dumb nanny and personal chef with a set of balls like a Ken doll. Jen the deceivingly evil one who took spaghetti out of the garbage and rinsed it off to serve to the restaurant patrons AND who is also agonizingly stupid, and my personal favorite and hopefully winner of this whole catastrophic comedy of errors, Julia the waffle house line cook.  She may not have any "fine dining" experience but that woman can COOK!! 

    For three weeks now these inept mother fuckers have been cooking the same meal and for three weeks now, they have been failing miserably!  The same appetizers and main courses....how hard can it be people?  I think the one who wins is going to be the first one to snap and scream back in Chef Ramsay's face. This is a competition to see who is chosen to run a restaurant at a very upscale resort in Vegas, you can't run a kitchen if you are standing in the corner crying and counting the minutes until you can write about it in your diary!  Come on people....MAN UP WILL YOU!!

   Why Raven....why must you torture your poor readers with your infrequent and incoherent blogging?  Why! 

     It's simple, I don't like to be at home when it's warm and sunny outside.  I realize that I am forcibly home at night, seeing as my hubby works nights and the kids just aren't old enough to be left alone, but that doesn't mean that I am any more inclined to stay stationary once my house falls quiet.  Some nights I chat, some nights I kick some ass at Guitar Hero (which I play on-line too now, in case anyone is interested), and some nights I really want to curl up naked in my giant bed and touch myself inappropriately, errrr, I mean read a book.  I'm sorry, was the visual of me reading too much for you?  GET OVER IT!  The quicker you catch on that my space is just a mindless exercise in mutual deviation, the quicker I can cross your name off the list of people to be punished later. Sheesh!

     Has anyone else noticed the influx of "Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine" type of blogs people are pushing up our asses without the aid of so much as a cocktail or some lube?  I love silly, and if you are fortunate to be one of the people with whom I chat, you know this.  I'm silly more than I am serious.  But really people, going out and trying to get folks to blog in a "positive thoughts only" type of way, well now that will require a lot more X-Rated and pineapple juice or the patent finally coming in on my valium air spray.  Haven't I said this enough, or do I have to find and spank that memo boy, then sufficiently punish him after that little treat?  Humans experience a myriad of emotions, and as long as your aren't wearing rubber man clogs with your man capris and wanting someone to hold you while you write about your feelings in your journal, I think expression is almost as magnificent as I am, almost.  Ok, not even close, but expression is good just the same.

     So, on with my rambling and or ranting....try not to get too excited, it's not a rant of epic proportions, it's more of a mini-rant, if you will.  *Inhaling deeply, looking down, seeing cleavage and getting distracted*  What was I doing?  Why am I here?  Who are you and why are you staring at me....OH, that's right, I'm blogging. Sorry.  I have noticed that sometimes people are thesaurus rex' d and they seem to find a word or phrase on their word of the day toilet paper, so they pepper every thing they write for weeks with that word or phrase all the while misspelling basic words like, a lot.  Just so you all know, "a lot" is two words, not one and so help me if I read one more entry with the term, "I digress" I'm going to fetch my lemon soaked toothpick and penis straw and shoot someone's eye right out!!  We all like to think that we are brilliant, and an elite group of us actually are.  Oh, did you think I had more to add to that? 

    One more thing and then, I'm off to...well, use your imagination for that.  I think I might blog more often if I didn't seem to leave such ridiculous comments on my friend's spaces.  I  think I may be using all of my allotted brain waves in a much smaller forum.  I have noticed that my comments seem to be of a different nature than most others. It's not that I don't understand the deeper hidden meaning in the words as they fill the space, it's just that, again, I'm not one of those "stick up the ass" beat you over the head with my staggering intellect kind of women.  And trust me, if you could see the wicked gleam in my eyes as I type those comments, you'd love them even more.  Oh, what's that? Some of you don't love them?  Is it easier for you to kiss my ass if I bend over, or  can you reach just fine like this?

     Ok, that concludes my sitting still for now, I think maybe I'll put on some Turkish music and belly dance in the living room.  No, the web cam will not be on for that.  It's a pay-per-view event.  I adore you all!! 

~*Raven*~